I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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