i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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