he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
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