i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
