How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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