Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Bang-toberfest begins!!
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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