What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
People in love make me want to vomit
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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