Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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