You were right. It hurts to walk today.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
