im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
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