Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
