If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Randomize
