Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
and you fell through a lawn chair
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
