i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
