I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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