i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
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