i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
You left your underwear on the fireplace
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
