he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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