When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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