I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
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He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
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I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.