I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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