When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
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