Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Randomize
