I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
