No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Randomize
