you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I'm like, not good at living.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
