great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Randomize
