I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
