guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
