i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
