Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
