I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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