Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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