She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
