what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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