I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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