I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
