So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on