Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar