she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
