i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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