I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
