So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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