If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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