i love accidental penises.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
