I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
