it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
they're like a gay fantastic four
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
