clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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