I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
my liver is dry heaving
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
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