I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
