So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
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