I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
