Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
