how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
