im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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