no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
