just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
