once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Someone shattered a urinal.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
